I want to tell you about someone near and dear to me, some say if you speak his name into a mirror 3 times during a blood moon he will appear, others perform a ritual in the pines, I’ve heard of these and many more to summon this God-like creature, an angel cast out from the heavens for loving mankind too much, a valiant soul whose path of righteousness will be written about for generations to come, a man who mocks death by merely giving it the finger, a man who inspired Mother Theresa and Moses himself.
I speak of course of my uncle, Harold. There is little on paper about this man only those who bear witness to his grace speak his name out loud, but if you ever got on your knees to pray, or have ever felt a warm feeling come over you I bet you that was Harold. Harold’s sheer presence alone fills your heart with such love it’s can only be described as a mother’s love for her infant after suffering through 27 hours of breached labor. I assure you I speak nothing but the truth. I myself have been tasked alone to document his accolades and his personal experience with the world as we know it. So if you think these words are a farce I assure you they are not. I remember the first time I saw Harold, my mother was giving birth to me I did not want to enter this world because I was fearful of the society into which I would be born, doctors and a team of specialists tried everything possible as little me put up such a fight then it happened I heard a voice a soothing calm voice of the outside world like a pied piper his soft voice had taken over my body luring me to the world I fought so hard to not enter.
I had no control he had entered my mind I was one with Harold, before I knew it a bright light had blinded me fearful I cried but I felt a hand was this God? I wondered. As my baby blues cracked open I saw a man… his smell could only be described as delicious, his appearance, he stood strong in his Members Only jacket with his handlebar mustache and mesh trucker hat, hadn’t showered in any less than 4 days. Even as a newborn I accepted this man as my creator, his hand moved swiftly striking me on the bottom as they cut my tentacles of life, “Welcome my son” he spoke! ” I am your maker, you may call me Uncle Harold”.
As a child, this man offered me his most valuable treasure.. his time and wisdom. When I first learned how to tie my shoes Harold was there. Loop swoop and pull he’d shout in his thunderous tone, my first bicycle he’d built with his bare hands this technique he learned in ancient Rome while building the Colosseum, while I was learning to doggy paddle he spoke fondly of his adventures in the Mariana Trench. Time has flown by with such haste like seagulls screeching past to attack the single mother of 4 carrying the forbidden funnel cake on the Atlantic City boardwalk and now I live to tell the tale. You see the mere mortal world has become a danger to Harold and time although aged him like a fine wine has aged him nonetheless.
He seeks shelter to regroup for the coming millennium and has shown signs of fatigue at certain points. So this is why we started the #Help Harold movement. Our mission is to reinstate Harold to his former glory high atop Mount Olympus. We are currently in search of the mythological black orchid that grows in Borneo as seen in the Hollywood blockbuster Anaconda 2. With this flower and the fabled seeds from Jack and the Beanstalk, and just a touch of magic, Harold will be fully rejuvenated.
Harold’s life is key for future generations to flourish we must help him!
